The Hellfire's of Surfers Paradise | June 2019

When we’re out walking people often come up and ask us
Are you from The Farm?
We laugh and modestly say
Yes we are
They say
I thought so, I could tell by the robes. Can I join?
We say
Sure!

But only after you have anointed your naked body with the exsanguinated blood of 9 sheep on the 3rd night of a wolf moon, inside a wax circle garlanded with the effigies of David Lynch, Patti Smith and Wolverine. Only after you have sliced your palm open with a special Farm ceremonial knife (available in our gift shop) and let 6 drops of blood fall 6 times into 6 goblets while reciting the sacred text:

I BELIEVE IN COLLABORATION

Then and only then will The Farm scorch its unholy brand upon your flesh with iron forged in the hellfires of Surfers Paradise and, as you scream in agony, you will come to know what really happened during performances of Throttle at Bleach Festival. How our unholy dance rites opened a portal to another dimension, a blood soaked hole through which the demon king made his entrance upon our earth.

Yeah we were surprised too.

You know, being the only Satanist dance-theatre cult in Australia can sometimes be tough. The horns itch and the robes cost a packet to dry clean but the worst part is we get a lot of texts from right wing Christian groups.

"Make a show about the bible" they tell us. "Put Guy Sebastian in it!"

What’s really going on here? Are we in the 1950’s? Is it totally unrelated that Australia’s only contemporary dance-theatre Satanists are getting pressured to put Guy Sebastian into one of their critically acclaimed new works? And do you really think that Guy Sebastian getting the Order of Australia (at the same time!) is also purely coincidental?

The shocking truth is there is a deep connection between Guy Sebastian and our current Prime Minister. Everyone knows Australian Idol is rigged, the only question is who’s behind it? We have new evidence that the Hillsong church has been influencing Australian TV shows since the 1820’s and it's not hard to connect a few dots and see that the recent Australian election result had a similar off taste.

The truth is our PM is currently pursuing a hidden agenda to remove human sacrifices from contemporary dance in this country. Fortunately for the moment our funding bodies have protected the right to sacrifice as long as it has "substantial dramatic impact during a theatrical scene in a live performance context”.

But that right is under threat! And where does that lead? To the loss of freedom of speech, that’s where. Before we know it all our arts will look like this:

Instead of this:

Hmm, minus the car, surprisingly similar.

We shouldn't complain. Apart from the hate mail there are a lot of upsides to being Australia's only small to medium dance-theatre cult. Like Hillsong we don't have to pay taxes and we get to channel our choreography. Creating dance shows is hard, creating dance shows that summon hellspawn, while appeasing critics and audiences alike, is even harder. So we ask the dead for help. Pina was kind enough to lend a hand during the creation of our next show The Crossing, which opens on the 22nd at HOTA and then tours to Hong Kong and Kuala Lumpur. Pina won't be travelling with us because she can't find her passport and by the looks of Kayah and Gavin's demonic ability to levitate, we might be able to save on their flights too.

Buy a ticket to The Crossing at HOTA here.

And our Children of the Corn GreenHouse youth ensemble have a ritual all of their own prepared for GLOW Festival at HOTA, August 1st, 2nd and 3rd. We summoned Isadora Duncan to help out but the scarves just kept getting in the way.

Also our favourite Cowboy, Michael Smith, is about to perform again in Agitart Festival in Spain and everybody loves cowboys, even Pina...

So as you can see we're busy, busy, busy. We've had to increase the hours of all of our dead staff but since there's no union in Hell its been surprisingly straight forward.

We're even channelling this newsletter and speaking as the multitude that now inhabit us we feel compelled to mention that Wolverine also got an order of Australia this month and... what? No, he deserved it... you've got to look at his whole body of work... wait what? That's going too far, Hugh was really good in that film. It was Nicole that sucked.

Sorry Nicole. We at The Farm would like to point out that we've always been fans of your work. We are no longer in charge of this newsletter and in no way are these words representational of The Farm's beliefs nor can we be held accountable for the views expressed in this (channelled) newsletter.

Yours Sincerely,

Australia's only dance theatre, human sacrificing, demon hoarding, small to medium arts organisation, The Farm